Jokes And Funnies

That last one's not funny.
You're banned for a month.  👉👉👉👉👉

We can work it out.

JO SWINSON.

Come on Eng, of course it's funny. He may leapfrog you on the 'Next moderator' list. 

I bought my mrs a big vibrator this weekend. Shes was really enjoying a go with it the other night. I asked her if it was her favourite, she said that it wasnt, but it was right up there.

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad

Life in the Australian Army...
















I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter

Sheila xx

Sorry you could see the punchline before you finished reading. I copied from an email I received which was done with short lines making it extended and you had to keep scanning down. The above is how it came out with me trying to copy.

WARNING. PLEASE MOVE DOWN SLOWLY SO AS NOT TO SEE THE PUNCH LINE. 


THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!

What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4



The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...



' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

A blonde boarded a plane bound for Los Angeles and sat herself in the first class section of the plane. Nobody was bothered about that until a man came on board with a ticket for the very seat the blonde was sat in, so he summoned a stewardess to sort the problem out. The stewardess said to the blonde "May I see your ticket please?" so the blonde produced the ticket which said 'Economy'. The stewardess said to the blonde "Excuse me miss, your ticket is for an economy seat, but this is first class so I must ask you to move to the economy area". The blonde retorted "I am blonde, I am beatiful and I am going to Hollywood to be a movie star, so I am not moving". After several more battles of words the stewardess decided to call the head steward to remonstrate with the blonde. The head steward also said she must move to economy but the blonde was still not having any of it.

In desperation the head steward went to the captain for him to get the blonde to move. The captain said: "I am married to a blonde so I know how to handle them" and off he went to speak to the blonde. He politely asked her to move but again he got the "I am blonde, I am beatiful and I am going to Hollywood to be a movie star, so I am not moving for you or anyone" speech. The captain leaned down and whispered into the blonde's ear, at which point she got up, snatched her bags from the overhead locker and stormed off into economy class saying "Why didn't someone tell me this before!!!!"

The head steward said to the captain: "That was amazing! How come we tried and tried but got nowhere and you got an instant result?" "Simple" said the captain "I told her first class was going to Boston not LA"

You found Him.